In White Light
by Looly
Summary: One-shot Draco is leaving Luna, and struggles with saying goodbye to her and providing a reason for why he can't allow himself to be with her...


**Disclaimer:** If you know it, I highly doubt I own it.

**In White Light**

By: Valaina Surion ( Vikki )

_You're gone from here_

_Soon you will disappear_

_Fading into beautiful white light_

_Because everybody's changing_

_And I don't feel the same_

-Keane 'Everybody's Changing'

* * *

For some reason, he felt the need to hurt her. Something had taken over his mind. He wanted to see her cry, see if it was possible to break the delicate glass doll he'd been carelessly handed. But she had to be a doll… Like her, a doll's expression never changed. It was always smiling, always happy, and everything was always perfect. Their past was as scarred as their body—which meant they were perfect, void of any horrible memories or regrets. A constant smile was forever plastered onto their beautiful faces, and it would never change.

Now, for some reason, he felt a desire to shatter that doll. It forever stared at him, taunting him of how he didn't deserve her. Of how perfect she was and how wretched he actually was. She was pure and he was as filthy as they came. Every day when he held her in his arms, somewhere in the back of his mind he heard that voice… _You only have her now because she is reckless enough to think you are _good_ enough._

He didn't deserve her. And that hurt even more, to know that she was better than him and that he wasn't good enough to have a…

_Dammit, Draco! What is wrong with you? She isn't shoving it in your face that she's better than you, _you_ are!_

But it still hurt. Was it that obvious that she was too good for him? So obvious that even he knew it? He loved her so much, he never wanted to hurt her… when he did, he never meant to hurt her. Right now, however, he felt so much pain to do this. He needed to—and somewhere, deep down, he wanted to. He had to test if she was truly human, if she could feel the feelings he did. He wanted to know if she could cry, if she could scream, if she could become angry—outraged, even. He wanted to know if she could shatter into a million pieces from one word, and if she could feel herself being reborn from one touch.

"Why, Draco?" She whispered weakly. "Don't you care? Every time you told me you loved me and that you'd… never hurt me… you… you were lying?"

Draco turned away, feeling ashamed. Had he been lying to her? He himself wasn't even sure of this. All he knew was that he cared for her; he'd spend the rest of his life with her if he could. But he and many others knew how little a beast like him deserved a beautiful maiden such as her. He was a beast, inside and out, and she was beautiful, outside and in. Yes, he loved her more than anything, and that was true…

But was he lying whenever she looked into his eyes and thought, "_He is so wonderful_"? When she wrapped her arms around him and felt so safe and protected, was he lying to her then? Was everything he was around her an act? Draco knew that he wasn't good enough to hold her. He wasn't strong enough to protect her. He wasn't even good enough to keep the few promises he made to her…

"A few months ago, Draco, you promised to never hurt me…" Her voice was full of hurt, of pain, but somehow she had gotten past that all. It couldn't be compared to that of a broken porcelain doll; it was a strong voice. "…you promised."

Draco took in a deep breath. She felt betrayed. He had lied to her, had taken her and promised her so many wonderful things and fed her so many beautiful lies. In the end, he had still betrayed her. "Luna…"

"What?" She replied quickly, her voice harsh. He nearly flinched.

Nearly.

"Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love in order to stop from damaging them permanently!" Cold, blue eyes looked up into hers. How he yearned to be himself, be the one who months ago wouldn't have cared if he showed her compassion and love, if his eyes softened… but now, he couldn't be soft. He had to do this, he wanted to do this… didn't he? Did he really want to hurt her?

The sound he heard next… she was crying. Crying and not caring how she looked. Luna slumped to the ground and cried, her whimpers full of hurt and disloyalty. Draco watched mournfully as the priceless porcelain slipped from his fingers and fell to the ground, breaking and shattering. It scattered into millions of shards. He took a step forward, and then stopped; a shard was beneath his foot. It wouldn't take a glance to know it was her heart.

"Don't you understand, Draco?" Luna sighed, looking up at him. "Sometimes, you think you're hurting me. But you're not… you're really not…" Her voice cracked, as though she would let out another sob. She didn't. Her eyes glazed over, tears on the verge, but she didn't cry.

"Draco, the only thing that could ever hurt me is if you left me. _That_ would hurt me. Do you think I'd fall in love with you if I didn't see the real you? You think you're such a bad person. But you're _not_." She stood up, slumping back against the wall. Her hands rose and covered her face, pointer fingers pressing her eyes to rid them of tears.

For a moment, Draco was tempted to stand beside her and wrap an arm around her. But he couldn't move. It felt as though she had read his thoughts. How did she know so much? At times she could be so eccentric; at others, the words she spoke were full of wisdom. It had taken Draco a while to realize that she could view life at anyone's perspective, and only _she_ could understand flaws and mistakes. Only she could understand those things and never feel offended. A light smile tickled the edges of his lips; that was one thing that made him fall for her in the first place…

"You think so much of me, Luna. What makes you think I'm so wonderful? I've done so many horrible things…" Draco sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Why do you think I'm really such a good person?"

Luna shifted her arms behind her back and entwined her fingers, tilting her head slightly. For once her eyes were not wide and full of constant surprise. For once, Draco saw a soft, weak part of Luna that he had never seen before. She looked weary, but there was still a smile on her face. She looked broken, but she was still keeping herself together.

"I don't _think_ you're wonderful, Draco. I don't _think_ you're a good person." His eyes widened, as though an arrow had pierced his heart. What? He let out a chuckle, but he knew his face was twisted into an angry glare. She thought that he had lied to her, and here she was saying she hadn't thought anything of him at—

"I _know_ you are all of those things."

Without warning Luna stepped forward, closing the distance between her and Draco. He backed away, wondering what she was doing—he didn't want to hurt her more, even if she thought he wasn't doing any such thing. It would be best if she forgot all about him, anyway. But he had no way out, he realized, when he bumped into the wall. And she was getting closer, closer, closer… She had to be joking. But there was no smile on her face.

Luna stopped when she was inches away from him, peering up into his face. Draco half-expected her to stop, to leave. But her face was pallid, and she just stared into his eyes. It hurt to stare back into hers, where he could see that she wasn't feeling anything at all, as though emotionless. He hadn't really thought that he had crushed her, just chipped her around the edges. But she was really cracking, and on the verge of actually shattering. He could see it in her eyes. She was sad and angry. She felt betrayed, done wrong.

Worst of all, Draco knew he had done that to her.

"Tell me, Draco…" She whispered, her voice shaking slightly. "Did you lie when you said you loved me? Did you?"

It was likely that his mouth was drooping open, as though unsure of the answer. Draco knew the answer, but he didn't want to say it. He didn't know if it would still hold true later on. "I… don't know… Luna, feelings aren't always forever." He swallowed. "What I felt then and now may not be real! Hell, I may be flat-out wrong!"

Screaming was all he wanted to do. Everything had to be difficult with her. Everything! Why couldn't she just take things as they were and be on her way? He was trying to squeeze farther and farther away from her, but she was just so close to him…

"Just because everything isn't eternal you're willing to throw it away?" Luna's eyes were wide with confusion. She was struggling to see things from his point of view. "Draco, that's like throwing out a perfect meal because it soon won't be there anymore."

His eyes narrowed as he muttered irritably, "Stupid, am I?"

It was surprising when Luna looked like she had been slapped. Her face reddened, and her eyes glazed over, and she stepped back. "I'd never insult you…" She whispered, lowering her eyes to the ground. "Never."

"It sounded like you were," Draco hissed, pushing himself forward and straightening his posture. He really was much taller than her. "Why do you care so much about me, anyway? You're a… filthy Ravenclaw!" Now he seemed to be pulling all of her words and making them all seem bad. Anything to make her leave and never look back…

A sudden urge to hurt her had returned, and Luna sensed such too. But she would not back off. "Draco, I care for you. I know that you care for me too."

"I hate you!" He yelled, his voice echoing through the stone hall.

That had done it. Luna stepped forward fast, reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. She pulled him close to her, and for a moment allowed him to stare into her eyes. Anger, pain… she felt so much because of him, but not one of those feelings was good. She pulled him into a kiss. It surprised him that even while she had been strong and forceful, her kiss was still soft and gentle.

In an instant too soon she stepped away, locking her eyes onto his. She was so small, and had been so delicate… she had been like his very own porcelain doll. But now she looked like a wounded creature, innocent and undeserving of pain. He sighed, unsure of what to say. Thoughts of telling her how much he loved her fought with the thoughts of leaving her.

"If you want me to leave…" Luna whispered, "I will. I'll never bother you again."

For a moment—just a moment—he considered telling her to stay. Stay with him. Draco wanted her to stay with him and never to leave his side again. But at the same time he knew how much he had hurt her already. Did she really deserve to suffer more, just because she was foolish enough to have fallen for him? Him, the Slytherin, who couldn't get close to anyone without hurting them?

He couldn't say anything, though. Not a word.

Luna nodded. She understood what he wanted, and although she could not perceive why he wanted it, she respected him. She took an uneasy step forward, closer to Draco, but then stopped. Should she kiss him goodbye? Shake his hand? Murmur that it had been good while it lasted? She looked up into his eyes, deep into his soul, trying to see what he was thinking. It was odd, though, that this time she couldn't find it.

A short step was taken forward, and her hand was risen to touch his face. Draco looked cautious of such a touch, apparently afraid that she may hit him, but she didn't. "When I walk away, Draco, you can come after me. This may be your only chance. Once I get back to my dorm, I am going to go to bed and wake up the next morning, and you won't be with me anymore." Luna paused, searching his face for any signs of what he was thinking. Nothing came.

"Why are you giving me a second chance?" Draco hissed as his eyes sharpened.

"This isn't a _second_ chance, Draco…" Luna said, the corners of her mouth cricking lightly. "It's a _last_ chance."

Draco pushed forward, shoving Luna farther away from him. "Why are you like that?" He cried, his voice rising. "Why do you act like it's so important that we're together? I mean it's not like the world will end if we're not together! There probably will never be a happy ending for us, Luna! Did you ever think of that? If you're with me you'll never be happy! What, do you think that if we eventually get together, that we'll fly off into happiness in white light? That doesn't happen!"

"I don't know about you, but I've never heard of a relationship being like that," Luna tilted her head, frowning at him. "No relationship is ever perfect. They all have flaws, and everybody fights… You just have to understand that things don't end just because one bad thing happens."

She leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. When Luna stepped back, Draco was surprised to see a single tear on her cheek. He reached to wipe it away, but she withdrew quickly and wiped it away herself. "I love you Draco." She whispered. "I really do."

With that, she turned and walked away, footsteps echoing throughout the hall. It was late. Darkness had bathed the hall in black, and only flickers of light illuminated the room, giving a light tint of orange to everything. They had been standing there for a while… Draco hoped no one had heard them, in fear of Luna getting in trouble. He shook his head suddenly; he didn't care about her! That meant no more wishing that she was okay, feeling safe, happy…

He closed his eyes. Her words rattled on inside of his head. _I love you Draco. I really do._ Draco shut his eyes, wondering if he should go after her or not… A sharp pain in his gut told him to go after her, that he shouldn't care about what everybody thought. Him, dating a girl like that with a father that was a disgrace to purebloods…

He didn't care about that! In the beginning, he had wanted to leave her to see her hurt. Being with her had been surreal, unbelievable… He had wanted to know if she was truly human, if she was mortal.

Now, that wasn't what he cared about. What he cared about was her safety. Father… if he found out, he would hurt her. No, he would kill her. Draco opened an eye to see her back, and another burst of pain ran through him—but this time, through his heart. He loved her, too. But he couldn't have her. He didn't want to put her in danger like that, and if he were ever responsible for her being hurt, well…

"Luna…" He called. She twisted around, gray eyes boring into him. "I love you too. But I love you too much to hurt you."

Turning away, Draco took in a deep breath. As he walked away from Luna, awareness of what his life would be like dawned upon him. His father had destroyed him, taken away any chance of caring for whoever he wanted, whoever he _loved_. Forever he would suffer alone, unable to care for someone less they would be good enough for _them_, the clan in which his father served… It wasn't fair. Why did he have to be born in this skin? They had been born at the wrong times, in the wrong lives…

Draco looked up to the ceiling, his hands clenched in fists. "I just wanted for her to be safe." He whispered.

"And safe is a life without me in it."


End file.
